Friday, November 9, 2012

Bum hole

I have a pair of very old jeans which have a small hole in the bum and have worn through to fine threads between the thighs, because of the way they rub together when I walk. It happens to all my jeans after a time. But these jeans are good to wear for work because it doesn't matter if they get dirty. Last week I wore them to cycle in to Belfast, a journey which should have taken about 35 mins, but took an hour and a half because I was on a child's mountain bike which had very small wheels and insufficient gears. I hopped off the bike struggling to stand up on my wobbly legs and it transpired that the threadbare patches between the thighs had merged with the small hole in the bum and somehow the crotch had dropped entirely out of my jeans. Completely gone. Worn away to the extent that I had to tie a sweater around my waist so my pants weren't out. I got the train home, tugging my coat down at the back to preserve my modesty.

Yet, quite inexplicably, I have worn the jeans twice more since, thinking each morning, "they aren't that bad, at least it won't matter if they get dirty," and then arriving in work thinking, "Why am i wearing these crotchless trousers, again? How does this keep happening?" People are starting to talk.

So I'm thinking of getting a thigh gap for Christmas - ground-breaking surgery where the flesh of the inner thighs is pinned to the backs of the knees. It looks a bit strange in profile and from the back but I'll make sure to only be photographed from the front and to walk into rooms sideways, like a crab. Not only will I look incredible but I am going to save a fortune on jeans.