Yesterday there was a large wasp in my room. He was about the size of a kidney bean, which by wasp standards is large. I spent a good 20 minutes trying to intimidate him with dirty looks, hoping he would pick up on the bad vibes go home to his own house. I had been sitting on the roof of our house in the sun, but I decided it would be better to stay inside and watch the wasp, that way he couldn't sneak up on me and take me by surprise later on. Also I felt if I left him alone in my room he would probably try on all my clothes and vomit on my toothbrush.
There was a flying insect in my room last week which had been biting me in my sleep, so I killed him with the back of the Lethal Weapon boxset. He squished up against the door in a mass of legs and blood. I felt mortally offended when I reasoned the blood was probably mine. How dare he steal my blood.
This large wasp was absolutely not taking the hint and seemed to be getting more and more angry in response to my bad vibes. I didn't feel I could kill him because he was so big, it would be like killing a large spider or a small bird - I could practically see the whites of his eyes. But he started buzzing all up in my face, so I ducked athletically passed him and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Then I sat in the kitchen, fuming, picturing the wasp putting my DVDs in the wrong boxes and making long distance calls on my phone.
Instead of dwelling on this unfortunate turn of events, I cycled to the coast with some friends and went for a swim in the sea, which proved to be much more pleasant than last time. There was the usual initial paralysing shock of mind-numbing cold, causing my muscles to seize and my lungs to collapse but I got over this by breathing very loudly and steadily to the beat of Brown Girl in the Ring by Boney M, which I sang in my head.
When I came home the wasp was gone; my clothes seem unworn, my phone shows no signs of unusual activity, and none of my DVDs are in boxes anyway. I can't be sure about the toothbrush, but I am choosing to believe that it remains unblemished because it is purple and yellow with a bendy neck and I have come to like it.
On a happier note, this morning I was thrilled to receive an email from Sir Ivan Smith, Microsoft Promo Coordinator, to inform me I have won the sum of €1,000,000. I just have to send him my bank account details so he can deposit the money in. Thrilled.