Saturday, January 29, 2011

red flavour jelly

Last night I bought a block of jelly for 35 cents from a popular supermarket known for their wide range of reasonably priced quality own-brand produce, who shall remain nameless because of reasons of copyright.

There is no flavour description on the pack, which leads me to conclude it is 'red' flavour, like ice pops and slush puppies.

When I was in charge of making the jelly as a kid (basically my dream job) I would bite the raggedy edges off the cubes to 'help them melt better'. Then I would scoop them out with a spoon, suck the melted bits off and spit them back in the water. By the time the jelly was served after dinner, most of it would have already been in my mouth. In retrospect I understand how wrong this was, so I don't do it anymore, just sometimes.

We were making the jelly last night and we wanted to eat it right now now now so we decided the freezer would be the quickest option. We researched some freezing techniques on the internet and discovered that hot water freezes faster than cold water (a phenomenon not formally introduced to the scientific community until 1969). So contrary to the instructions, which stated 1/2 pint hot water to melt the jelly cubes and 1/2 pint cold water to help it set, we used only hot water, (wild, I know) and put it in the freezer.

Then we forgot about it and went to bed. Today it seems to have frozen solid and all the red has floated to the top. Which proves that you should always follow the instructions and not make up your own version you think might work better, the jelly people probably spent years refining the technique. Don't mess with science.

Friday, January 28, 2011

electric hot air blower

This is our electric hot air blower. Disguised as a fire, it casts a warm amber glow across the room, creating a homely, welcoming atmosphere. Dead classy. The red coals are glued in but there are also three removable black coals which can be lifted out and placed on the tongue to impress visitors. There is a very realistic projection of a fire flickering merrily inside the doors. When we leave it on too long it overheats and the projection plays backwards, which is utterly nauseating, and forces you to question the boundaries of your own reality.

Positioned carefully in front of the original fireplace, (now discreetly covered with a piece of plywood stuck on with gaffa tape) our electric hot air blower serves as a focal point, forging a bond between the lower end of the room, occupied by the TV and a large collection of empty wine bottles, and the upper end of the room, housing three chairs and a microwave.

If we removed the back from the elaborate housing of the hot air blower, I imagine it would be filled with hairdryers.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

if it doesn't fit, make it fit

When I was eight I went to my cousin Gemma's birthday party, which was a 'T'-party, as in everyone dresses as something beginning with the letter T. Somewhat missing this point, I went as a witch. I wore a magnificent black wig, despite the fact that it was too small. I have a very large head, (a curse I have inherited from my Father, who once had to wear a wig made of two wigs stitched together because one simply wasn't big enough). The wig I wore was so tight that I threw up and had to go home early from the party.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

trying to be quiet at night time

On Friday evening I came home quite late from a party. I was doing my best to be quiet so i didn't wake anyone up, but I thought to myself, "I'll just get some water to bring upstairs". I couldn't find any cups so i had to climb onto the worktop and scrabble around on the top shelf of the cupboard with a spatula until I found an old ice-cream tub, the sort that is kept with the sole function of storing excess bolognese in the freezer. As I delicately dropped back down to ground level I knocked over all the dishes on the draining board. I still had my bag on my back so as I jumped back in alarm I knocked over the fruit bowl and immediately stood on three kiwis. Only when i turned on the tap in my room did my housemate Clare wake up. She accused me the next day of "brushing my teeth for ages."

Saturday, January 22, 2011

cycle faster please

I keep getting stuck behind really slow cyclists in the mornings. They cycle in a very nonchalant fashion all over the cycle lane, making them difficult to overtake. They absolutely do this on purpose to annoy me. I loudly exclaim things like, "For goodness sake!" to try and make them feel uncomfortable so they will get out of my way but they seldom hear me because of the wind, and if they do look round i panic and shrug, like, "Bicycle? What? Who said that?". But at the first opportunity, at a red light for example, I kick my pedals as hard as i can and tear past the offending party in a whirlwind of dust and fury, making snorting scoffing noises to convey my displeasure, sometimes firing back a ferocious glare to highlight how inconsiderate I feel they are being. I feel confident these factors have a strong resonance. I arrive at college satisfied that the slow cyclist will spend the rest of the day thinking about what they have done.

Sunday, January 2, 2011