Friday, December 24, 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

God bless us, everyone

These are some Christmas cards which i made because it is Christmas time. I got them printed, so if anyone would like to buy a set, let me know. It is €7 for a pack.
Envelopes are included; they are made of pure gold.

No they aren't, they are made of paper, but they were constructed by actual elves.

Once, around Crissmiss-time my little sister Martha broke her leg or dislocated her knee or some such thing, whatever it was required a full leg plaster cast. She was very young, so the plaster cast on her leg was tiny, and she had these two baby crutches, which i can only assume were constructed by someone in the crutch factory as part of an elaborate prank (dear god! observe my tiny crutches! i must have become enormous in my sleep! etc.)

                                                            (actual scale drawing)

Anytime we had visitors, Martha would be summoned, propped on the table and forced to say, "God bless us, everyone" and we would all laugh, at which point there would be a freeze frame on our gleeful faces and the credits would roll, wishing our viewers a non-denominational Happy Holidays. In the hilairious sitcom which will inevitably be written, in which we will all star.

Also, last night I dreamt about what I would have for breakfast. It was watery scrambled eggs and raw bacon and a whole baked bulb of garlic. When I woke up I could taste garlic in my mouth.
                                                            NOT EVEN JOKING.

Monday, November 22, 2010

a dream and some drawings

This is a dream I had. The person in the crocodile suit is a girl called Morgan Allen who was in the year below me in school. I didn't recognise the person dressed as the giraffe. They were having an argument and Morgan Allen threw the person dressed as the giraffe over a banister.

I made it into an etching. It was accepted into the "Impressions" print exhibition in the Galway Arts centre. Which is nice. The exhibition opens on 2nd December and runs to 8th January.

Here are some drawings of old people having a nice time

I don't know who the other people are, but this one in the green is Great Auntie Hetty. When I was a kid I thought she was probably about a million years old. I always thought she had far too much skin on her face. And it looked too soft, like she was made of Oli of Ulay. She is dead now though, so I probably shouldn't say that. You aren't supposed to say anything about anybody once they're dead.

And also this a drawing of my friend Clara eating Marks and Spencer's Flapjacks.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

and blinking, stepped into the sun

"Look Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom"

These are the newest additions to the Gordon household. 5 chickens (strictly for egg-laying purposes) called Helga, Pheobe, Henrietta, Athena, (after Greek mythological characters, not my choice) and Jessica Fletcher (after the world's greatest daytime television detective from Murder, She Wrote.)

So I spent the day with them, because everyone else had gone out. They are lovely, subdued creatures, maybe because they are still quite young and haven't gone mental and squawky yet. They potter about, pecking at leaves and flies and sometimes they jump up and down on the spot, just because they can, which is very funny to watch, but they have a very calming effect. These are some draws I made.

They have wonderful feet, and when my sister picks them up and holds them, they point their toes, saying, "Red this week please, Barbara", like this:

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

i can get you one of those

One of my mum's first jobs as an art teacher was at a small primary school in Coleraine. She was looking at nature and the natural world with her P5 class of 8 and 9 year olds. The school was in quite a rural area and a lot of the children lived on farms, so she asked if any of them could get hold of a sheep's skull to bring in for the class to examine and draw. One little boy enthusiastically put his hand up and said his Daddy could get one.
The next morning Mum was on Playground Duty before school. The youngster marched excitedly up to her and presented her with a black plastic bin liner, saying, "here you go Mrs. Gordon!" Mum opened the bag and looked inside. A freshly severed sheep's head looked back up at her. It emerged the child's father worked in an abattoir. She politely thanked the boy but informed him that actually they probably wouldn't be needing it after all and that he should probably just take it home.
here you go Mrs. Gordon

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

two monkeys

                                How will you dress your illegal Capuchin monkey baby today?

In a skirt, I think. Yes.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

goodness me, it is freezing peasing in the wintry north

          actually, i could only find one mitten.
and there is no snow, so my toboggan is somewhat futile.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The bus does not even take the Newry bypass

I have to get the bus home to Belfast today, which is an unnecessarily long and unpleasant journey. I wish I had a car so I could drive home instead. I miss my old car. Perhaps it is time to resurrect it from the garage.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Once i was making a Victoria Sponge and I found an eariwig in the flour. We didn't have any other flour and I couldn't get to a shop, so I called my Granny, (Granny Sadie Mum), to ask her opinion and she said, "Oh I wouldn't worry about that, it won't do you a button of harm. Just pick it out and don't tell anyone."
She gave me her cookbook as a present. It has some fabulous recipes for things like aspic and deviled eggs. I cooked all the cakes in it for a project last year. We used to go to her house every Sunday for lunch/dinner (the nameless meal eaten on a Sunday around 4.00, the title changing depending on the family), and eat our body weight in roast potatoes. We had rhubarb tart and apple tart and single cream and jelly and ice cream in aluminium bowls for dessert. The bowls were quite small so you had to take 4 goes to get one of everything. By the time everybody had stopped eating and the dishes were done it was about 7.00 so we watched the Antiques Roadshow.

This is a drawing of my other Granny (Granny Ironing), who has a bad hip, and a walking frame with brakes on it (which I think, to be honest, is a bit optimistic.)
Sometimes when we are all watching tv, we hear a high pitched squeaking sound and we all look around at each other and rattle our heads and poke our ears and gradually realise it is Granny's hearing aid, so we look at her. She pretends not to notice. She says things like, "Nobody in the world is ever more than seven feet from a rat." She used to have a small white dog called Mindy.When Mindy died, she got another dog that looked exactly the same and called it Penny.
             Both Mindy and Penny's ashes rest in urns above her gas fireplace which is always on.
                                                   RIP Mindy and Penny: dead but never cold.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

by all accounts, a dramatic morning

A bird tried to climb in through my window this morning. I didn't know what to do so i just pretended to be asleep. Luckily he didn't take anything.

Here are some draws.
A wonderful definition of a bargain from the 10 year old boy who lives next door

I saw this lady on a beach in Switzerland. She has no bottom.

It is polite in Spanish conversation to juggle the breasts of the person you are talking to.
This little known fact has been confirmed by my Spanish friend Esther.

most likely the root of every fight i have ever had with my sister
(the flowergirl is me. Sarah-1: Hannah-0)

Monday, October 11, 2010

mini prints

Four of my prints are currently being exhibited in the 30th Mini Print International in Cadaques, Spain. The exhibition opened in the Taller Galeria Fort where it ran from 26th June -30th Sept. On 16th Nov it will open in The L'e Tangd'art Gallery in France where it will run until 16th Jan '11. Then it moves to the Wingfield Barns Art Centre in Suffolk, England.
each print is a square inch

the fourth one there, along with the one below, also appeared in the “2nd Miniature Print Biennial” in the Centre for Contemporary Print, Connecticut, USA (April-October 2009)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

a selection of confections

This is a whippy poke.

Here are some squids eating Magnums. They can't have whippy pokes anymore, because the whippy poke van has gone: crushed under the weight of the current economic downturn, which has had a particularly negative impact on the the tourist industries of small rural towns on the coast of Ireland, thus virtually eradicating the demand for frozen confections. The squids have to buy their Magnums in the shop, and they cost £1.40 each, which everyone agrees is quite frankly extortionate.

Cake illustrations from a project I did last year

Also a picture of a Twirl, which my sister mispronounces as 'trowel'. Oh how we laugh.